Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Ada Driver (July 17, 1917 – August 20, 2012), better known as Phyllis Diller, was an American actress and stand-up comedienne, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her exaggerated, cackling laugh.

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Read more about Phyllis Diller on Wikipedia.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song, no matter how bad they are.

Always be nice to your children, because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

I admit I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

The last thing I'd learn well into my career was how to get on how to say hello how to get in with the audience.

I asked the waiter 'Is this milk fresh?' He said 'Lady three hours ago it was grass.'

Housework can't kill you but why take a chance?

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep or I'd be rotten to the core.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

I wanted to become me totally me. The more me the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument a bank has just been robbed.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Whatever you may look like marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades so will his eyesight.

Aim high and you won't shoot your foot off.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

There's so little money in my bank account my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes cry rant and rave and at the sound of the bell simmer down and go about business as usual.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband Fang. How about short and cheap?

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

If it weren't for baseball many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.