If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

Life is wasted on the living.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Tweeting is really only good for one thing - it's just good for tweeting... It is rewarding because it's just its own reward. It's sort of like heaven.

If this is coffee please bring me some tea, but if this is tea please bring me some coffee.

I don't know the question but sex is definitely the answer

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!

That's the true spirit of Christmas, people being helped by people other than me.

Creativity is intelligence having fun.

Live everyday as if it were your last because someday you're going to be right.

If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV you're not considered well viewed.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

All generalizations are false including this one.

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife you'll become happy, if you get a bad one you'll become a philosopher.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

If you think there's a solution you're part of the problem.

I don't know who my grandfather was, I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Every one desires to live long but no one would be old.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays I go Fridays.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Some people see things that are and ask "Why?" Some people dream of things that never were and ask "Why not?" Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ...

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

If I were two-faced would I be wearing this one?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

I intend to live forever or die trying.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you've got it made.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time somewhere someone said to themselves "You know I want to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Don't Panic

The book you don't read won't help.

If the facts don't fit the theory change the facts.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the bible says love your enemy.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally I let her out.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like 'See if you can blow this out.'

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store but that's just peanuts to space.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't matter.

Reader suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Every man loves two women; the one is the creation of his imagination and the other is not yet born.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

You can't blame gravity for falling in love.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Facts are stubborn but statistics are more pliable.

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

For a moment nothing happened. Then after a second or so nothing continued to happen.

True friends stab you in the front.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Without a god life is only a matter of opinion.

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Before I speak I have something important to say.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

I think therefore I am. I think.

The Answer to the Great Question Of.....Life the Universe and Everything.....(is) Forty-two.

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK, but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

ASAP. Whatever that means. It must mean, 'Act swiftly awesome pachyderm!'

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable.

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

The biggest seller is cookbooks, and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time when you get out of bed it's feet first!

History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Love is the answer but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

I know it's not cat food, but what exactly is it that they put inside of tinned ravioli?

Life is a series of dogs

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful natural wholesome things that money can buy.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.

There was a man from Sung who pulled at his rice plants because he was worried about their failure to grow.

I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Europeans like some Americans drive on the right side of the road except in England where they drive on both sides of the road, Italy where they drive on the sidewalk, and France where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

Don't tell fish stories where the people know you, but particularly don't tell them where they know the fish.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Fishing is boring unless you catch an actual fish and then it is disgusting.

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race and finish the farce.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

Old age, believe me, is a good and pleasant thing. It is true you are gently shouldered off the stage, but then you are given such a comfortable front stall as spectator.

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man.

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes and far more expensive.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up, and finally you forget to pull it down.

The English winter - ending in July, To recommence in August.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Each year millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing doing nothing and being nothing.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

George Washington as a boy was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.

Man who open door for girlfriend reveal one thing... either car is new or girlfriend is.

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very", your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

The chain of wedlock is so heavy that it takes two to carry it - and sometimes three.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Acting is the most minor of gifts. After all, Shirley Temple could do it when she was four.

Exaggeration is truth that has lost its temper.

What a dog, I got his favorite bone is in my arm.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.

To be stupid, selfish and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking all is lost.

Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am, will never work in this town again.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

My songs are like my children - I expect them to support me when I'm old.

Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

I have as much authority as the Pope I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

With me nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now we'll never see each other!

Human nature is so well disposed towards those who are in interesting situations that a young person who either marries or dies is sure of being kindly spoken of.

The difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most of the ones I've had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.

The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers 'nothing personal, your name just happened to come up'.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup only less filling.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

To refuse awards is another way of accepting them, with more noise than is normal.

When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless, this country was bought and sold a long time ago. The shit they shovel around every 4 years *pfff* doesn't mean a fucking thing. Secondly I believe if you vote you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around

If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.

Here's something you never hear someone say: 'As soon as I stick this red hot poker up my ass i'm going to chop my dick off'.

I am being frank about myself in this book. I tell of my first mistake on page 850.

Life is like a grapefruit. Well it's sort of orangy-yellow and dimpled on the outside wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside too. Oh and some people have a half a one for breakfast.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

We met Dr. Hall in such deep mourning that either his mother, his wife, or himself must be dead.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

I seldom end up where I wanted to go but almost always end up where I need to be.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell it is simply purgatory.

God works wonders now and then, Behold a lawyer an honest man.

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

I believe in equality for everyone except reporters and photographers.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

All philosophies, if you ride them home, are nonsense, but some are greater nonsense than others.

Never floss with a stranger.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

I won't say that the papers misquote me, but I sometimes wonder where Christianity would be today if some of those reporters had been Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

There are lies, damned lies, and statistics.

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Don't knock the weather, nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.

I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.

She had lost the art of conversation, but not unfortunately the power of speech.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.

How do I stay so healthy and boyishly handsome? It's simple. I drink the blood of young runaways.

A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

Forget about being world famous, it's hard enough just getting the automatic doors at the supermarket to acknowledge our existence.

If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work

Melancholy men are, of all others, the most witty.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Americans are a quarter of a billion people who have almost nothing in common, except for the fact they've been told they have lots in common.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.

I have written a book. This will come as quite a shock to some. They didn't think I could read, much less write.

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

We know three or four songs ... But we play about 50.

For several days after my first book was published I carried it about in my pocket and took surreptitious peeps at it to make sure the ink had not faded.

When red-haired people are above a certain social grade, their hair is auburn.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

The mere thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I'm half-Irish half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog I'd be in a hell of a mess!

A lawyer's dream of heaven: every man reclaimed his property at the resurrection and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers.

I would like to spend the whole of my life traveling, if I could anywhere borrow another life to spend at home.

A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

One tequila two tequila three tequila floor.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly and I did. I said I didn't know.

If one could only teach the English how to talk and the Irish how to listen society here would be quite civilized.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

The moment at which two people approaching from opposite ends of a long passageway recognize each other and immediately pretend they haven't. This is to avoid the ghastly embarrassment of having to continue recognizing each other the whole length of the corridor.

Wives in their husbands' absences grow subtler, and daughters sometimes run off with the butler.

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake since for him the spinal cord would suffice.

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same but the medical practice changes.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.