It's funny what a few no-hitters do for a body.

The people I grew up around who I really liked were quick on the draw. It always just wowed me. And my mum would make weird funny comments. I can see in myself her self-deprecating hippie humour. I can't take myself too seriously.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Hippocrates is an excellent geometer but a complete fool in everyday affairs.

Let a smile be your umbrella and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys another sells and both think they are astute.

If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws (at most an occasional visit to the cemetery)

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know.

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science the one that heralds the most discoveries is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny'

Basically, my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.

The bigger they are the worse they smell.

Everything is funny as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Geographically Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?

Cop didn't see it I didn't do it!

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

One of the most blissful joys of the English language is the fact that one of its greatest practitioners ever one of the guys on the very top table of all was a jokesmith. Though maybe it shouldn't be that big a surprise. Who else would be up there? Austen of course Dickens and Chaucer. The only one who couldn't make a joke to save his life would be Shakespeare.

The story goes that I first had the idea for THHGTTGalaxy while lying drunk in a field in Innsbruck.

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do stand the world upside down.

At a formal dinner party the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert then joined the army. The first time he saluted he killed himself.

So long and thanks for all the fish.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist

The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing.

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.

In Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

The middle class is so funny it's the class I know best and it's the class where you find the most pretension so that's what makes the middle classes so funny.

It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a "type of weevil."

I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill.

Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard the Internet does not operate at the speed of light, it operates at the speed of the DMV.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

If you had your life to live over again do it overseas.

I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

The man who can dominate a London dinner-table can dominate the world.

Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose " which is also sometimes called "grape sugar" and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier in terms of marketing than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel " which is what it tastes like.

You know how old I am? I'm so old I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

You have a nice personality but not for a human being.

It is only by not paying one's bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

It's to paint directly on the canvas without any funny business as it were and I use almost pure turpentine to start with adding oil as I go along until the medium becomes pure oil. I use as little oil as I can possibly help and that's my method.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go.

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

I think I did pretty well considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way that is being drunk and being the father of their son.

If you go to a bad movie it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie it's two years.

He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.

Next time I see you remind me not to talk to you.

I don't mean to be funny.

It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics that action and reaction are equal and opposite that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.

Human beings who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science the one that heralds new discoveries is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."

Totally mad. Utter nonsense. But we'll do it because it's brilliant nonsense.

I guess when you turn off the main road you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.

Regarding the Boy Scouts I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School, and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

In the first place God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... I can resist everything but temptation.

A gene can be either dominant or recessive depending on which type of gene it is.

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."

It is only the modern that ever becomes old-fashioned.

What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively if life hasn't been good to you so far which given your current circumstances seems more likely consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.

We have normality. I repeat we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.

You know fame is a funny thing man especially you know actors musicians rappers rock singers it's kind of a lifestyle and it's easy to get caught up in it - you go to bars you go to clubs everyone's doing a certain thing... It's tough.

If I studied all my life I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations are final. That's what it means. Destiny: final. If you haven't gotten where you're going you aren't there yet.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims, this is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you're born on this world you're guilt period f*ck you end of report next case. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

When you have got an elephant by the hind legs, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down, only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

I find myself having these conversations where I go...You know the guy in that place. The guy in the place with the thing you know. And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally we realize that I mean the Pope.

I must confess I was born at a very early age.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad, but New York City?

As an old reporter we have a few secrets and the first thing is we try the phone book.

I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean how can you tell?

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class, except Congress.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

The salesman knows nothing of what he is selling, save that he is charging a great deal too much for it.

There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off.

She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.

Why I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

If you've heard this story before don't stop me because I'd like to hear it again.

I've never been able to understand why a Republican contributor is a 'fat cat' and a Democratic contributor of the same amount of money is a 'public-spirited philanthropist'.

I thought 'Borat' was a breakthrough comedy because it was really funny. It wasn't some studio-produced script with 14 writers.

It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour (metric equivalent: 378 kilograms per hectare.)

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas take your next trip in kilometers.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

One of Edward's Mistresses was Jane Shore who has had a play written about her, but it is a tragedy and therefore not worth reading.

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid, they told me I was being funny.

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

It's funny how most people love the dead once you're dead your made for life.

Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.

It's a funny old world.

It's a funny thing about life, if you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.

Pay attention don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck.

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Florida's number three industry behind tourism and skin cancer is voter fraud

His study was a total mess like the results of an explosion in a public library.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

When at last we are sure, You've been properly pilled, Then a few paper forms, Must be properly filled. So that you and your heirs, May be properly billed.

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.