Andy Rooney

The biggest seller is cookbooks, and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business, because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged, it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease often referred to as 'progress' doesn't spread.

I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

I didn't get old on purpose it just happened. If you're lucky it could happen to you.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

The Super Bowl isn't for kids I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

I like ice hockey but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.

My own time is passing fast enough without some national game to help it along.