Dave Barry

It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Europeans like some Americans drive on the right side of the road except in England where they drive on both sides of the road, Italy where they drive on the sidewalk, and France where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

Fishing is boring unless you catch an actual fish and then it is disgusting.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Each year millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees, who are educated enough, that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup only less filling.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes according to Ralph Nader who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.

We know three or four songs ... But we play about 50.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

The real threat to whales is whaling which has endangered many whale species.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

We believe that electricity exists because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages

I hate rap music which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

For me the worst part of playing golf by far has always been hitting the ball.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Eugene is located in western Oregon approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

I believe that's one of the finest action regurgitation scenes in the history of literature ... I'd put it right up there.

[Dave Barry who wrote jokes for Martin's Oscar-hosting gig two years ago mentioned that he performed his Academy Awards monologue with his fly open.] And ... I think it says something about Steve as a performer and as a man that no one noticed.

Ridley is a tea drinker.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen for example there would be no way to make water a vital ingredient in beer.

Grammatically should of is a predatory admonition, as such it is always used as part of a herpetological phrase.

I was a young person once shortly after the polar ice caps retreated and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. (This is also true of religion although you will not find me saying so in print.)

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules including:* Both of your socks should always be the same color * Or they should at least both be fairly dark.

And so by the fifteenth century on October 8 the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to and they came up with a new concept: the West.

Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use as His messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that thanks to a computer microchip can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet

To show you how weird he is I went to his house in Hailey and found notes all around. Notes on how to kill people.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

What Women Want: To be loved to be listened to to be desired to be respected to be needed to be trusted and sometimes just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series.

In those days most people read newspapers whereas today most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor of course is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.

I'm very pleased that we made the top four. But I feel that we could have had a stronger showing.

We operate under a jury system in this country and as much as we complain about it we have to admit that we know of no better system except possibly flipping a coin.

Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines hotels and rental-car agencies yourself only to see the arrangements get all screwed up when with just a single phone call you can have a trained professional screw them up for you?

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.

Meetings are an addictive highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot masturbate

Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group which includes hamburgers fish sticks and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

We had three pairs of women's underwear on stage after our show in Seattle. Of course they were on the large side ...

You can use the Internet to find out from anywhere on the planet: exactly how much coffee is in a certain coffee machine at Cambridge University in England, exactly how many sodas are available in certain vending machines at certain major universities, and much much more.

And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By they I mean computers: I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)

In the past decade or so the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner which they learned in Wood Shop, eventually when enough things in the home are broken they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.

Drink beer. But that's kind of my goal pretty much wherever I go.

Dave Barry Turns 50

Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

As a child I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

There are two distinctive classes of people today those who have personal computers and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

There are many silly superstitions about lightning and as a result many people - maybe even you - are terrified of it. You shouldn't worry. Thanks to modern science we now know that lightning is nothing more than huge chunks of electricity that can come out of the sky anytime anywhere and kill you.

I realize that I'm generalizing here but as is often the case when I generalize I don't care.

The Internet "browser"... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later.

The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism a complex string of syllables.

We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists and we will frankly print just about any wacky thing they tell us especially if it involves outer space.

In fact just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West- the Grand Canyon the Badlands the Goodlands the Mediocrelands the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford- were caused by erosion.

Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting but not the part where you try to hit the little ball, only the part where you drive the cart.)

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

The Ford Falcon holds the proud title of Slowest Car Ever Built. In certain areas of the country you can go to a stoplight and find Falcon drivers who pressed down on their accelerators in 1963 and are still waiting for their cars to move.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere, I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.

The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison... Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph which could soon be found in thousands of American homes where it basically sat until 1923 when the record was invented.

I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

To better understand why you need a personal computer let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth with a top speed of 120 feet per second is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Magnetism as you recall from physics class is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

What exactly is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer anywhere that is equipped with a device called a 'modem' can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo

The term SAT is a set of initials or autonym standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.

I figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write newspaper columns. Nobody ever makes newspaper columns into Major Motion Pictures starring Tom Cruise. The best you can hope for with a newspaper column is that people will like it enough to attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones, he is more into bands with names like "Heave" and "Squatting Turnips."

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often as a sign of their great respect they don't even invite me.

I recently had my annual physical examination which I get once every seven years and when the nurse weighed me I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless brain-rotting drivel on TV we on the Internet are exchanging freely and openly the most uninhibited intimate and yes shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings.

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

Like many members of the uncultured Cheez-It consuming public I am not good at grasping modern art.

Geographically Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

In South Florida we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers so you can get out of their way when they back up.

One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting or "fat recycling" wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large such as your buttocks and injected into your lips, people will then be literally kissing ass.

We became pretty sensitive about it. We visited Great Ormond Street Hospital when we were in England to do research and we saw the tremendous need for funds.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

Technically Windows is an "operating system " which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly with no warning whatsoever stop operating.

I will spare you a gushy description of the dive itself except to say that when you finally see what goes on underwater you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.

The one thing that unites all human beings regardless of age gender religion or ethnic background is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types but every last one of them would know the theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies

I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

'Varlet and the Squeaking Codpieces' would be an excellent name for a rock band.

It's a concept I've often thought of.

In fact when you get right down to it almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."

If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential that word would be "meetings

It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all you're paying for it.

Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Both of your socks should always be the same color Or they should at least both be fairly dark

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Because of the level of my chess game I was able - even against a weak opponent such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.

To an adolescent there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

It was by far just a one-girl show. She led every offensive and defensive category for Bishop Kearney today. She definitely carried Bishop Kearney today.

Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.

Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a "type of weevil."

Most married couples even though they love each other very much in theory tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies the result of being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting.

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling of the dark of lobsters of falling on lobsters in the dark or speaking before a Rotary Club and of the words "Some Assembly Required

He'd tried to strike up a conversation with her.

To enter Europe you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep.

Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard the Internet does not operate at the speed of light, it operates at the speed of the DMV.

Today of course it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word except in major motion pictures.

Washington is nicknamed "The Evergreen State" because it sounds better than "The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State."

I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.

Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard which is why he never used it.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will give you this look that says `My God you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

We idolized the Beatles except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead.

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.

European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

Admit it sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!

I do not mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored European suit. You also need the correct shirt and tie.

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose " which is also sometimes called "grape sugar" and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier in terms of marketing than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel " which is what it tastes like.

Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero meaning "ability to " and bics meaning "withstand tremendous boredom

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

UNIVAC: a device which contained 20 000 vacuum tubes occupied 1 500 square feet and weighed 40 tons, there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.

A Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn

I gotta tell you ... It's pretty crazy when you think about taking whatever's on the other end of that line and bringing it in here.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Dogs need to sniff the ground, it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper containing all kinds of late-breaking news items which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.

Thanks to my solid academic training today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's The Stand with new covers pasted on.

'You kids are just going to miss out on all the AAIIIEEE.'' This is the noise you make when you pick up a splinter the size of a harpoon.

Congress after years of stalling finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements...

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics, this is how we stay objective.

Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.

In 1765 Parliament passed the Stamp Act which as any American high school student can tell you was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

You get people from all walks of life here -- who work in domestic service.

Once again we come to the Holiday Season a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way by going to the mall of his choice.

If in reading the following pages you are uncertain as to whether a specific statement is meant seriously or not simply apply this rule of thumb: If the statement makes you consider filing a lawsuit I was kidding.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period just like the Roman Empire.

one of South Florida's most vital natural resources a relentlessly sane voice in a howling hurricane of hypocrisy hokum and hype.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire water gravel and vinyl.

There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes too.

The question is why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing on national television that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them although sometimes you have to hunt around.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy overweight Protestants today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - "to spew out paper."

I care about our young people and I wish them great success because they are our Hope for the Future and some day when my generation retires they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social security

Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device.

A gene can be either dominant or recessive depending on which type of gene it is.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today .. and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Your basic guy is into a straight-ahead bottom-line kind of thought process that does not work nearly as well with the infinitely subtle complexities of human relationships as it does with calculating how much gravel is needed to cover a given driveway.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history dating back to the time millions of years ago when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock tossed the rock into the air and whomped the club into the sl

I find myself having these conversations where I go...You know the guy in that place. The guy in the place with the thing you know. And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally we realize that I mean the Pope.

Where did I leave my reading glasses?

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

USER n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'

More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.

It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually when it forms itself into large groups it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant without even considering if there's a man on base.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads he would have made them cute and furry.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.

And I think it says something about Steve as a performer and as a man that no one noticed.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Miami does not have a visitor-friendly airport. At Miami International a cramped and dingy labyrinth the message is: Just Try to Find Our Baggage Claim Area!

In Spain attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich you wind up with a dish whose name when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary turns out to mean: Eel with big abscess.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells . . . to locate a female egg despite the fact that the egg is relative to them the size of Wisconsin.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour (metric equivalent: 378 kilograms per hectare.)

New York Taxi Rules: 1. Driver speaks no English. 2. Driver just got here two days ago from someplace like Segal. 3. Driver hates you.

And Ted Koppel comes walking down the aisle. We'd met a few times so we said hello.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace, snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January only more intelligent.

A full-grown manatee which can weigh more than 1 000 pounds looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.

We've actually gotten better musically over the years ... But we've come to realize that we will never be good.

I believe that's one of the finest action regurgitation scenes in the history of literature. I'd put it right up there.

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war global warming and Windows.

I am a world-class weenie when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious mind firmly believes that if God had wanted us to have direct access to our bloodstreams He would have equipped our skin with small clearly marked doors.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

The members took turns lighting sparklers and signing their John Hancocks to the Declaration with one prankster even going so far as to actually write John Hancock.

A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog we can assume it will be pretty bad.

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent informed computer enthusiasts by which I mean "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other...

If you have a big enough dictionary just about everything is a word.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

Florida's number three industry behind tourism and skin cancer is voter fraud

It was Public Art defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that in terms of complexity make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss.

This is true, virtually all edible substances and many automotive products are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content.

I've been asked to make an announcement ... There is a non-luxury car in the parking lot. We've been asked to remove it from the Sun Valley area.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.