Jerry Seinfeld

That's the true spirit of Christmas, people being helped by people other than me.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like 'See if you can blow this out.'

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

There's very little advice in men's magazines because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think "I know what I'm doing just show me somebody naked."

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well in others they hated it.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia they can take anything they want!

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

Well all comedy starts with anger. You get angry and its never for a good reason right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender but you don't have a top for it.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special put 'em on the menu.

You know crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Where lipstick is concerned the important thing is not color but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.