Jerry Seinfeld

That's the true spirit of Christmas, people being helped by people other than me.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like 'See if you can blow this out.'

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

There's very little advice in men's magazines because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think "I know what I'm doing just show me somebody naked."

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well in others they hated it.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia they can take anything they want!

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

Well all comedy starts with anger. You get angry and its never for a good reason right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender but you don't have a top for it.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special put 'em on the menu.

You know crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Where lipstick is concerned the important thing is not color but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

When someone does a small task beautifully their whole environment is affected by it.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines because I always had a car thing.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't it's not gonna make the team.

Stand-up is hard.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume I looked ridiculous. But this is my business, I have to humiliate myself.

Well Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

You can be passionate about anything.

If you go to a bad movie it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie it's two years.

I like definitive things.

Men want to make women happy.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do you're on the road to death.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

I'll tell you one thing since I'm married single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles you loved them from beginning to end.

Pay attention don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

The truth is I had always wanted to be a comedian but I really didn't have that kind of personality and it's a terrifying thing to say.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.