Lily Tomlin

If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV you're not considered well viewed.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.

If love is the answer could you please rephrase the question?

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

If truth is beauty how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

I mean yes to act out something or take chances in the performance is one thing. But in terms of a camera whatever's captured is captured so that's a little more daunting.

But there are too many people that make so much money at the cost of lives of other humans and for no reason but to make the money.

No matter how cynical you become it's never enough to keep up.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use.

What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains.

I was always drawn to more the social-expression-of-culture types.

Remember we're all in this alone.

We're all in this alone.

I always wanted to be somebody but now I realize I should have been more specific.

We are all in this together by ourselves.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.

I especially love 'Web Therapy' and I did 'Eastbound and Down' too. I had a lot of fun doing that.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

I guess if people couldn't profit from war I don't think there would be war.

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent hardworking honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then we elected them.

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.

I've always wanted to be somebody but I see now I should have been more specific.

I guess that's one of the reasons that you do it - work all the time - because it's sort of a high to find something that really works.

Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

The problem with winning the rat race is you're still a rat.

What is reality anyway? Just a collective hunch.

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.

The best mind-altering drug is the truth.

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

The road to success is always under construction.

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.

What if it's boring - or if it's not boring it might be too revealing or worse it might be too revealing and still be boring.