My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Just as true humor is laughter at oneself, true humanity is knowledge of oneself.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

Imagination is a quality given a man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.

Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Laugh at your worries and insecurities. View your anxieties with humor. It will be difficult at first, but you’ll gradually get used to it.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman, and a pretty girl.

Imagination was given man to compensate for what he is not, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting.

Graphic design is the paradise of individuality eccentricity, heresy, abnormality, hobbies and humors.

Don't tell fish stories where the people know you, but particularly don't tell them where they know the fish.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race and finish the farce.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

I'll publish right or wrong: Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.

The laughter of the aphorism is sometimes triumphant but seldom carefree.

Sex is God's joke on human beings.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Melancholy men are, of all others, the most witty.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly and I did. I said I didn't know.

One cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song, no matter how bad they are.

Cynicism is humor in ill health.

If I had no sense of humor I would long ago have committed suicide.

Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

The secret source of humor is not joy, but sorrow, there is no humor in Heaven.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Advice is sometimes transmitted more successfully through a joke than grave teaching.

Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects.

Any man who has had the job I've had and didn't have a sense of humor wouldn't still be here.

Kudos to the educators, athletes, dancers, judges, janitors, politicians, artists, actors, writers, singers, poets and social activist, to all who dare to look at like with humor, determination and respect

Jokes? There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Now true humor begins when a man ceases to take himself seriously.

In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

Why was I born with such contemporaries?

Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

The secret to humor is surprise.

Fun is good.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

You have delighted us long enough.

But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

No humorist is under any obligation to provide answers and probably if you were to delve into the literary history of humour it's probably all about not providing answers because the humorist essentially says: this is the way things are.

I have had a wonderful life. I have never regretted what I did. I regret things I didn't do. All my life I've done things at a moment's notice. Those are the things I remember.

And I loved Fats Waller. I love his instrumental abilities his vocal abilities and his sense of humor.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

When humor goes there goes civilization.

There is something to me very softening in the presence of a woman some strange influence even if one is not in love with them which I cannot at all account for having no very high opinion of the sex. But yet I always feel in better humor with myself and every thing else if there is a woman within ken.

Conventional show-biz savvy held that Americans hated to be the objects of satire.

All satire is blind to the forces liberated by decay. Which is why total decay has absorbed the forces of satire.

A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.

I met Woz when I was 13 at a friend's garage. He was about 18. He was like the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends because we shared an interest in computer and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren't in a very good mood.

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

Men are happy to be laughed at for their humor but not for their folly.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Down the road I'll probably have a kid or two or three. And there will probably be political events or spiritual things to comment on and humor.

It's sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain comedy and tragedy humor and hurt.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

Women as they grow older rely more and more on cosmetics. Men as they grow older rely more and more on a sense of humor.

The overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt, its essence is love. It issues not in laughter but in still smiles which lie far deeper.

Don't be careless about yourselves--on the other hand not too careful. Live well but do not flaunt it. Laugh a little and teach your men to laugh--get good humor under fire--war is a game that's played with a smile. If you can't smile grin. If you can't grin keep out of the way till you can.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything even poverty you can survive it.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Through humor you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter no matter how painful your situation might be you can survive it.

I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation.

In all thy humors whether grave or mellow Thou'rt such a touchy testy pleasant fellow hast so much wit and mirth and spleen about thee there is no living with thee nor without thee

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

You make 'em, I amuse 'em.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense dancing.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor, for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Humor does not rescue us from unhappiness but enables us to move back from it a little.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant.

A humorist doesn't really do that much note-taking.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

My lyrics are a big pile of contradictions. They're split between very sincere opinions and feelings that I have and sarcastic opinions and feelings that I have and sarcastic and hopeful humorous rebuttles towards cliche bohemian ideals that have been exhausted for years. I meean I like to be passionate and sincere but I also like to have fun and act like a dork... Geeks Unite.

I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.

Whatever else an American believes or disbelieves about himself he is absolutely sure he has a sense of humor.

In truth politeness is artificial good humor it covers the natural want of it and ends by rendering habitual a substitute nearly equivalent to the real virtue.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

It is quite true as some poets said that the God who created man must have had a sinister sense of humor creating him a reasonable being yet forcing him to take this ridiculous posture and driving him with blind craving for this ridiculous performance.

I am often the brunt of my own humor.

You know my main reaction to this money thing is that it's humorous all the attention to it because it's hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that's happened to me.

Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention but it has no persuasive value at all.

Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.

Humor has been the balm of my life but it's been reserved for those close to me not part of the public Lana.

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.

In my opinion I think sarcasm and humor in a song, without turning it into a novelty song, is really charming.

You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance.

A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from the commission of all sins or nearly all save those worth committing.

Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.